


Frustration

by ramonaspeaks



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anal Sex, Chaptered, Fluff, Frottage, Getting Together, Grinding, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Masturbation, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-04
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-24 02:35:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2565143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ramonaspeaks/pseuds/ramonaspeaks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is without use of his hands for a few weeks after having surgery on his wrists. Fortunately his best friend Phil is around to help him out in the meantime. </p><p>There <em>were</em> a few things neither of them had considered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Will there be someone at home to assist you over the next few weeks?”  
  
“My flatmate Phil will be around,” I answered. The nurse smiled and continued filling out the forms. I looked around the room anxiously.  
  
I was beginning to regret my decision to have surgery performed on both wrists at the same time. Years of being on the internet and typing with bad hand posture had left me in so much pain that surgery was the only option. While I didn’t want to prolong the agony, I felt more disadvantaged than I'd anticipated.  
  
I looked down at the stiff braces that ran from my elbows to my hands and stifled a sigh. My fingers were free so I would still be able to get dressed and use the bathroom on my own but the next six weeks weren’t going to be easy.   
  
“Here are your prescriptions. Did the doctor discuss your post-surgery care?”  
  
I clutched the slip of paper between my thumb and forefinger. “Uh, yeah. Don’t take the braces off, use the waterproof protection when I shower, and take copious amounts of pain medication.”  
  
The nurse frowned at my joke and handed me the discharge papers. It was awkward to carry everything and I started to wish I’d taken Phil up on his offer to meet me at the hospital and escort me back to our flat rather than taking a cab on my own.  
  
By the time I made it home, I was exhausted and sticky with sweat. I fumbled with the bags and papers I was holding and tried to wrap my fingers around the door handle. My keys slipped out of my hand and fell onto the floor.  
  
“Shit!”  
  
Before I could bend down to pick them up, the door opened and Phil was standing in front of me. “Dan? What’s wrong?”  
  
“My arms are fucking useless at the moment, that’s what’s wrong.” I knew that I shouldn’t be yelling at him but I was tired and just wanted to get to my bed.  
  
Phil’s eyes flicked from my face down to my arms. He picked up my keys, took everything that I was carrying from me, and ushered me into the apartment. “I’ve got it.”  
  
“Sorry. I just want to go to bed. I didn’t mean to snap.” I looked down at the floor as I walked past him. He shrugged.  
  
“Just let me know if you need me to bring you anything.” Phil tossed everything onto the coffee table in the living room. I would deal with it later.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
I walked down the hallway and used my shoulder to shove my way into my bedroom. I knocked it against the door again to close it and sank down onto my bed. _Finally._ I rolled onto my stomach and rested my arms above my head, too tired to be upset that I couldn’t sleep with them underneath my pillow in my usual manner. It was only moments before I was asleep.  
  
 _——_  
  
It had to be the lingering effects of the morphine. That’s what caused the dream.  
  
I squinted my eyes open just enough to look at the clock. It was two in the morning, so I had been asleep for just under 14 hours. I turned onto my back and groaned. I had fallen asleep fully clothed and my jeans felt like they had adhered to my skin. I fumbled with the button and pushed them off. It took a great deal of effort to wiggle out of them and push them onto the floor. I tossed my shirt down with them and collapsed back onto my bed, feeling much more comfortable in just my boxers.  
  
I closed my eyes again and tried to ignore the hard on that was aching between my legs. There was no way I’d be able to deal with that tonight. In fact, I hadn’t gotten off in over a week because the pain had been so bad before the surgery. I moved my arms so that they rested on my stomach. They felt fine now, which I credited to the pain medication.  
  
Still, there was no way. I could barely move my hands in these braces and the scratchy fabric and spikes of velcro were wrapped around my palms.  
  
I wiggled my fingers, rubbing my thumb against the tips of the other four. Maybe that would be enough. I slipped my left hand down the front of my boxers and let out a shaky breath. This would probably just leave me even more sexually frustrated but I couldn’t resist trying.  
  
It’s not that I’d never dreamed about Phil before. I had gotten used to him making regular appearances in even my most erotic ones, but that was just because we saw each other every day. Of course I would dream about him.  
  
This was different though. First of all, it had just been the two of us there. That was new. Second, he had wanted me too. That was something that even my subconscious had never let me experience before tonight. And finally, most importantly, there were no weird dream-like elements ruining the moment. It was just the feeling of skin against skin, the color of Phil’s eyes as he leaned into my body, his voice as he moaned my name. It had felt so real.  
  
“Oh, fuck!” I pulled my hand away from myself. I had gotten too enthusiastic and the scratchy fabric of the brace had rubbed abrasively against my sensitive skin.  
  
I stared at my hand. I knew that I couldn’t take the brace off. That would be insane. Of course, trying to distract myself while this aroused would be impossible. If I could just slide it down a few inches, maybe that would be enough.  
  
I sat up and slowly began to peel the velcro away. My wrist bent slightly as the fabric gave and I let out a loud yelp of pain.  
  
Before I could even think to fasten the brace again, I heard footsteps in the hallway. _Shit._ Phil was probably still awake and had heard me. Feeling waves of panic rush through me, I pulled the duvet over my body to hide the boner that was still visible through my boxers. I had just managed to cover myself when my bedroom door opened.  
  
“Hey. I heard you scream.” Phil flicked the light on and stared down at me. He looked concerned. “Do you need more pain medicine?”  
  
“What? Maybe. I don’t know.”  
  
The dream was still fresh on my mind and the sight of Phil was making even more blood rush to my groin. At this point, spontaneous combustion was possible.  
  
Phil glanced down at my arms and his eyes widened in shock. “Were you taking your brace off?”  
  
Oh. Right. I looked down at my left arm. The velcro was undone and the brace was pulled away from my palm slightly. Phil walked over to my bed and sat down. I used my right hand to pull the covers more tightly around my waist.  
  
“Why would you do that?” Phil took my hand and fastened the brace again, looking apologetic when I winced in pain.  
  
“The stitches itch.”  
  
“You’re just going to have to deal with it. They’re probably under surgical tape anyway.”  
  
“All right. It’s back on.” I pulled my hand away. “You can leave now.”  
  
Phil ignored my aggravated tone and stared at me. His eyes ran over my face and down my bare chest. I fidgeted, trying not to focus on the throbbing between my thighs or how much I wanted to move closer to him.  
  
“You look really flushed, Dan. You’re bright red all over.” Phil touched his hands to my face and then my shoulders. “Is that normal? Are you supposed to be checking for a fever?”  
  
“I feel fine actually.”  
  
Phil pulled his hand away but didn’t look convinced. _What the hell_ , I thought. _If I can’t be honest with my best friend, who can I be?_  
  
“Okay. Look.” I stared down at my lap and then looked across the room, trying to find something innocent to focus my gaze on. “Here’s the thing. Between the pain and the surgery and all, it’s been a while and I was just trying… to get off. It didn’t go very well.”  
  
I glanced at Phil’s face and immediately regretted my honesty.  
  
“Awkward, I know.” I laughed, trying to make things feel less uncomfortable. “I told you my hands were useless.”  
  
“That’s really awful.” Phil let out a short laugh with me. “I hadn’t thought about it. How long do you have to keep the braces on?”  
  
“Uhh… six weeks.”  
  
“Wow.” Phil wrinkled his face in sympathy.  
  
“I know.”  
  
“Well, you still can’t take them off, Dan.” Phil paused. “This probably wasn’t what you meant when you asked if I could help you out after surgery, but if you need me to… you know…” He motioned toward my lap and then looked away, a blush creeping up his neck.  
  
“That… I mean, that’s really…” I didn’t think Phil was cruel enough to make a joke like this at my expense. “Are you being serious right now?”  
  
“It’s not like I’ve never thought about it before.” Phil’s eyes met mine as he waited for me to respond but I remained silent, still trying to take in his offer and the fact that he had thought about me before. “You’re really sexy, Dan, even covered in bandages and after sleeping all day. I wouldn’t mind if you don’t.”  
  
He wouldn’t _mind_. I wondered if it would bother him if he knew exactly how much I didn’t mind.  
  
“Okay,” I said and moved closer so that we were both sitting on the edge of my bed.  
  
“Will you keep your arms here? I don’t want to hurt you.” Phil took my elbows in his hands and pulled my arms around his neck. Our bodies pressed together and I nodded. This would be easier. I supported myself by holding onto him and rested my head on his shoulder, waiting.  
  
I had almost gotten used to the dull ache by now, the swollen feeling of so much pent-up frustration. I realized how bad it really was when Phil’s hands reached my waist and I wanted to beg him to hurry up. I bit down on my lip and buried my face into his neck to keep silent.  
  
My duvet was still covering me. Instead of taking it off, Phil wrapped one arm around my waist and slipped his other hand underneath the covers. He massaged me through my boxers and I let out a soft whimper.  
  
“Oh god, you’re so hard.” Phil kept one hand on my lower back as the other rubbed against my dick. “Is it okay if I go under your boxers?”  
  
“Yeah.” I tried to keep myself silent but couldn’t stop another word from slipping out. “Please.”  
  
My voice was desperate. I could hear Phil’s breath quicken as he pulled me closer and slipped his hand underneath my shorts. He moved down my length and rubbed against my balls but didn’t tease me for long before beginning to jerk me off. I groaned into his shoulder, my lips pressing against his shirt. He felt so good. I moved my lips against the skin of his neck and hoped that I wasn’t crossing a line.  
  
The first kiss was more of a moan. My lips parted as they pressed against his neck and I tasted the sweat on his skin as his hands stroked me and massaged the head of my cock. The second kiss was on his cheek. I kept my hands limp on his back as I turned my face closer and pressed my lips just above his jaw. Phil turned towards me so that his lips met mine for the third kiss. I closed my eyes and sank into it, letting his tongue enter my mouth and massage against my own.  
  
His hand was still moving expertly against me but it was his mouth that did it. The feeling of his lips, wet and insistent against my own, started a burning in the pit of my stomach. I moaned but kept our lips pressed together as I came in his hand, only pulling away from him after I had stopped shuddering.  
  
I let out a tiny gasp as he pulled his hand out of my boxers and then fell onto my back on the bed. Phil grabbed a tissue from the bedside table and wiped off his hand. He looked a little sheepish.  
  
“Sorry about the kiss. I, uh… was that okay?”  
  
“Yeah, it was okay.” I struggled to keep my eyes open. Had I really slept for 14 hours? I felt so tired. “I think I started it.”  
  
“Oh. Well, I’m glad you did.” Phil leaned against my headboard and looked down at me. “Was it six weeks that you said before?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Okay.”


	2. Chapter 2

It was three days after the surgery before I attempted taking a shower. To be fair, I had spent almost the entire time either sleeping or lounging on the couch watching marathons of Buffy and counting down the hours until I could take more pain medicine, so I didn’t have much chance to get dirty. Still, the warm water hitting my skin had been invigorating and I finally felt human again when I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist.  
  
I looked down at my hands and frowned. The waterproof cast covers engulfed both of my arms up to the elbows and covered the wrist braces that I would be wearing for the next month. They had been easy enough to slip on but were proving to be difficult now that they were wet and slippery.  
  
“Phil?” I shouted through the bathroom door. “Could you come here for a second?”  
  
I heard footsteps pound down the hallway and then a few seconds of silence, as if Phil had hurried as soon as he heard my voice and then hesitated at the bathroom door.  
  
“Are you okay, Dan?” Phil called through the closed door.  
  
“Yeah, fine. I just can’t get these damn cast covers off. Could you come in here?”  
  
The door opened and Phil walked in. He looked a little shocked when he saw me standing in the middle of the bathroom, still dripping wet and only covered by the towel swathed around my midsection. I gave him a small smile and lifted my hands to show him the two pieces of plastic that looked like bright blue oven mitts. I hoped my skin was tan enough to hide my blush. I hated looking this ridiculous.  
  
“Oh,” Phil said and shifted his eyes to the floor. He continued to stare down, as if waiting for me to say something else.  
  
I felt my stomach do a small flip. Phil looked uncomfortable. I hadn’t noticed his strange behavior at first because of my tendency to burrow underneath a mountain of self-pity whenever I’m in pain, but it was obvious in retrospect. It’s not that he had been ignoring me. If anything, he was being overly kind, taking over all of the household chores without complaint and fetching things for me that I needed before I had the chance to ask.  
  
Was this his way of letting me down easy? I could tell that he regretted what had happened between us on the first night after my surgery. Despite the fact that he had seemed to enjoy himself at the time, he hadn’t brought it up once since then. I wished that I could think of a way to let him know that I understood without making everything even more awkward.  
  
Instead of trying to find the words that would just end up embarrassing us both, I laughed and gave a pathetic wave with my left hand. “Hi. I’m trapped. Sorry.”  
  
Phil laughed with me and looked up. “Don’t apologize. I should have offered to help.”  
  
His words still sounded a bit formal but at least he was laughing and looking me in the eye again. “Right, you’re an awful person for not offering to shower with me. Where are your manners?”  
  
Phil’s eyes immediately dropped back down to the floor and I realized that I’d said the wrong thing. _Shit._ Before I could recover, he grabbed a small towel off the rack and stared down at it.  
  
“I should dry your arms first so that the braces don’t get wet. Is that okay?” His voice was a dry monotone and I felt my stomach clench again.  
  
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak and say the wrong thing again. Phil took another step toward me and draped the towel around my shoulders, applying a gentle pressure that gave me goose bumps. He pulled it down my back and then over each bicep, and I struggled to stay still and ignore the way my hair was standing on end from his touch. This wasn’t fair to him. It wasn’t fair that his best friend was in love with him.  
  
I froze at the words that I had just thought. Was I in love with Phil? I couldn’t be in love with Phil. It could ruin _everything_ if I was in love with Phil.  
  
I looked at him as he moved the towel away from my body and threw it over the side of the bathtub. I stared at his face and willed him to look back at me. For a brief moment, his blues eyes flickered to mine and were bewildered at my intense expression. I felt pain quiver through my entire body as he looked away again, a pain different than the kind left by a surgeon’s incision and twice as sharp.  
  
I was definitely in love with Phil. If I was honest with myself, I probably had been for a long time.  
  
“Okay, you’re free now.” He slipped the cast covers off my arms and placed them on the counter. “Can you handle the rest by yourself?”  
  
I wiggled my fingers at him. “Should be okay now.”  
  
Phil nodded and turned to leave the bathroom. As I watched him walk out the door, I considered my options. I could go to my room and get dressed and not discuss anything, like he seemed content to do. I could hide my feelings. I could respect his obvious wish to pretend that the other night hadn’t happened. Or…  
  
I hurried out of the bathroom and practically ran into the hallway. “Phil.”  
  
“Yeah?” He turned around and waited for me to catch up to him in the lounge.  
  
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out. “I’m sorry about the other night. I can tell you wish it hadn’t happened and I just want you to know that I understand. You’re my best friend and the only thing that matters is that you stay my best friend.”  
  
I stopped speaking then because I realized that I was dangerously close to crying. As much as the words hurt to say, they were true. It didn’t matter if Phil didn’t feel the same way that I did, as long as I didn’t lose him.  
  
“Dan, why are you apologizing to me?” Phil stared directly into my eyes and didn’t look away. It was the first time in days that we’d had more than a few seconds of eye contact.  
  
“Because you obviously regret that… what happened.”  
  
Phil’s face twisted into an expression that I wasn’t sure how to define. His eyes were wide with shock but his mouth was turned down in a grimace. He rubbed a palm across his forehead several times as if he had a headache.  
  
“Do we really have to discuss this when you’re wearing nothing but a towel?”  
  
I flinched and felt a wave of heat wash through my chest and up my neck.  
  
“I am _such_ an idiot.” I turned to walk back to my room, planning on crawling into my bed and never leaving it.  
  
“No, Dan, don’t go.” Phil’s hand touched my shoulder and stopped me. “I didn’t mean it like that. And I’m the one who should be apologizing.”  
  
“Why would you say that?”  
  
“I haven’t been avoiding talking about the other night because I wish it hadn’t happened. Well, that’s not true. Maybe in a way I do wish that, but only because I’ve felt guilty about it.”  
  
Now it was my turn to look bewildered. I waited for him to continue.  
  
Phil exhaled a slow breath. “I feel like I took advantage of you. I mean, you’d just had surgery and you’d been sleeping all day. We probably shouldn’t have…”  
  
“I was tired, not over-medicated. Did I seem incoherent to you or something?” I asked.  
  
Phil shook his head. “Not at the time. But afterward, you just fell asleep again and I got worried. I even wondered if you were going to remember what happened the next day.”  
  
“I was just relaxed finally. I’d been in pain and not sleeping well and it was the first time I’d… felt good in about a week. I remember everything, of course I do. I remember how much I wanted you.” I paused and met Phil’s eyes. “I still want you right now.”  
  
Phil’s lips turned up in a quizzical smirk. It looked out of place on his face, slightly derisive and bitter. “Is that just because you’re a bit handicapped at the moment?”  
  
For the hundredth time in the past few days, I cursed the fact that my arms were encased in braces. If it weren’t for them, I would be crossing the room right now and running my fingers through Phil’s hair, caressing his face to smooth away his sadness and bring back the innocent, happy expression that I usually saw there.  
  
“It has nothing to do with that. I think I’ve wanted you since I knew that there was a you,” I said and stared down at the floor, embarrassed by my admission. “You said you’d thought about me too. Well, you said that you wouldn’t _mind_. I get that you don’t feel the same way.”  
  
“Not minding may have been a bit of an understatement.” Phil let out a short laugh. “I was so sure you could see through me.”  
  
I looked up at him. I wanted to think of something brilliant to say to make him realize how I felt about him. “Phil…” I began and took a step closer. His eyes were a bit awe-struck as they shifted down and took in my half-naked body. I lost my train of thought as I reached him and inclined my head toward his so that our foreheads touched. “Phil.”  
  
That would have to be good enough because then my mouth was busy and all I could think was that this was our fourth kiss and it was the best one by far. This kiss felt like he loved me. He tilted his head and leaned into me, tucking my bottom lip between his lips and letting it go with a gentle suction. He moved back in immediately and pressed his mouth to mine with more fervor, running his tongue against me. I shivered when I felt his fingers at the small of my back, rubbing against the top of the towel.  
  
I pulled away for a moment and tried to use my fingers to pry apart the buttons on his shirt. I laughed at my sad attempt to maneuver my hands. “This might be easier if you do it. Sorry that I’m not very sexy at the moment.”  
  
Phil pressed his body against mine and kissed me again before unbuttoning his shirt and slipping out of it with ease. He shook his head. “You couldn’t not be sexy if you tried.” He ran his fingers through my hair, which was still damp from the shower. “I love your hair when it’s curly like this.”  
  
I pressed my lips to his neck. “You’re so fucking hot.”  
  
“Are you in pain right now?” Phil asked. “I don’t want to do anything that will hurt you.”  
  
“Um…” My wrists were in constant pain, although it was dulled by the medicine. “It hurts but I’m sure a little distraction would only help at this point.”  
  
Phil guided me across the room. He stopped when the backs of my knees were pressed against the couch. “Are you sure you want to do this?” His fingers slipped below the towel and rubbed small circles against my hipbones. He inched lower with each circular motion and my breath started to stutter out in small gasps.  
  
“Yeah,” I said. Phil’s hands disappeared entirely beneath the towel. “I’m sure.”  
  
It only took the tiniest flick of his wrists for Phil to slip the towel off of my hips. He threw it on the floor and I moaned as I felt his warm hands pressing against me. I was already half hard and the contact felt amazing. My fingers fumbled for his zipper but it only took a moment before he realized what I was trying to do and took over. He unbuttoned his jeans and pushed them down to his ankles.  
  
I sat down on the couch and watched him strip. He stepped out of his jeans and then paused with his hands at the top of his boxers. My breath caught and I couldn’t help but stare. When he stepped out of them, I reclined back on the couch on my back and stretched my arms out to him. “Come here.”  
  
Phil moved on top of me, placing his knees on either side of my hips, and lowered himself so that he could gently grind against me. I whimpered and then moved my hands above my head so that they were out of the way. As much as I wished that I could touch him right now, there was something about my vulnerability that was incredibly erotic. I couldn’t grab or clutch or pull; I could only lie beneath Phil and let him take control.  
  
I let out another gasp as I felt Phil begin to grow harder against me. He bent down and began kissing my neck, whispering my name against my skin in a way that made tingles run down my spine. He was still grinding against me and the friction felt so good, but I wanted more. I lifted my hips to buck against him and he moaned into my neck.  
  
“Phil.” I tried to steady my voice. “Do you have lube?”  
  
“Yeah,” Phil answered. “In my bedroom.”  
  
“Do you want to go in there? It’s probably more comfortable than the couch.”  
  
Phil nodded and stood up. I followed and pressed my body against his, kissing him as he held onto my waist and walked backwards down the hallway.  
  
I made myself comfortable on Phil’s pillows as he grabbed the small bottle from his bedside drawer. I tilted my head to the side and inhaled. His pillow smelled like his shampoo, which just made the entire experience more intoxicating. And then Phil was on top of me again, his lips hot against mine. I pressed my tongue into his mouth and shifted my legs so that they were on either side of his body.  
  
“Are you ready?” Phil asked.  
  
I nodded and he squeezed a small amount of lube onto his fingers. I closed my eyes and felt him slowly insert his index finger inside of me up to the knuckle. I choked out a breath and concentrated on relaxing my body as he started to slide his finger in and out of me. I felt his other hand wrap around my dick and start to stroke me as he added a second finger.  
  
“Oh fuck,” I moaned as his fingers curled inside of me and massaged against my prostate. “ _Fuck._ ”  
  
“Does it hurt?” Phil stopped moving inside of me. “I can stop.”  
  
“No,” I stuttered out. “It feels good. Really good.”  
  
Phil smiled and slipped a third finger inside of me. There was no pain at all this time, just the same intense feeling of pleasure washing through me in waves. My eyes fluttered shut and I rolled my body in motion with his fingers. My hands were still resting on Phil’s pillow above my head and it was painful to keep them there when I wanted nothing more than to grab him and pull him closer.  
  
“Phil, please fuck me now.” The words came out impulsively, a strange mixture of desperate and polite, but I was too far gone to feel embarrassed.  
  
“Oh god,” Phil groaned. I felt his fingers slide out of me as he positioned himself at my entrance. His hands clutched my hips. I could feel the head of his cock pressing against me and I pushed my body forward to meet his, desperate for contact. “Fuck.”  
  
I don’t know how he managed it, if he was just more experienced than I was or if his gentle nature was so much a part of him that he had superhuman self-control, but he continued forward slowly and entered me an inch at a time. I was wrecked beneath him, crying out, panting, begging him to fuck me, but at the same time incredibly grateful for his patience and tenderness as he exhausted himself trying to make this a good first experience for me.  
  
When he was fully inside of me, he paused and assessed my reaction. I held my breath for a moment, feeling both delirious from the pleasure and overwhelmed by the sensations.  
  
“Are you still okay?” Phil whispered, his lips tracing gentle kisses down my neck.  
  
“Yes,” I answered. He pulled back and I looked up at him, staring into his eyes and full of so many competing feelings that I could barely breathe. I rolled my hips toward him and moaned. “Oh god, Phil, you feel so fucking good.”  
  
He groaned and began to slide his cock in and out of me. As he built up a faster pace, his stomach pressed against my dick and I arched my back to press against him harder. Phil could tell what I wanted and slipped a hand between our bodies.  
  
“Oh fuck,” I cried out as he began to jerk me off. He was hitting my prostate with every thrust now and I wasn’t sure how much longer I would be able to hold on.  
  
“Dan, I’m really close.”  
  
“Me too.” I bit down on my lip then as I started to reach my high. “Oh god, Phil.”  
  
Phil’s head collapsed down near my neck and I whimpered into it. All of the muscles in my body clenched tight as I came in his hand and Phil let out a low groan as we rode out our orgasms together. My legs were wrapped around his waist and we moaned each other’s names as the intensity peaked and then slowly descended.  
  
Phil stayed inside of me for a moment after he came, as if he was too spent to move. I dropped my legs away from him in exhaustion and he pulled out, rolling off of me and onto his back. We were still for a moment, both trying to catch our breath and allow our racing hearts to return to normal.  
  
“That didn’t hurt, did it?” Phil’s voice sounded warm in the silence of the room.  
  
I wasn’t sure if he was talking about us or my wrists but I shook my head all the same. “No pain.”  
  
Phil turned on his side and leaned toward me. His lips pressed against my forehead and then the tip of my nose. “Good.”


	3. Chapter 3

The worst part about being with Phil was that he already knew everything about me.   
  
When he walked into the kitchen the next morning with rumpled clothes and glasses sitting slightly askew on the bridge of his nose, I wasn’t sure how to act. The safety of starting a new relationship was in my invented persona, the low-maintenance, easy-going person who giggled and flirted like he’d stepped out of a romantic comedy. There was security in the pretense, in knowing that the worst of my flaws would stay hidden until I wanted them revealed.   
  
Phil was already my best friend, which destroyed any chance of that security.   
  
“Good morning.” Phil paused to yawn. “What are you doing?”   
  
“Making breakfast.” I had a cereal box awkwardly tucked under one arm and was trying to pick the top open with my other hand. Phil took the box from me and pulled two bowls out of the cabinet. “You don’t have to do that.”   
  
“It’s fine,” Phil replied. He grabbed the milk out of the fridge and turned to give me a sleepy smile. “D’you want coffee too?”   
  
I shook my head. “No, thanks. I can really manage on my own.”   
  
“Okay.” Phil looked confused but nodded. “Let me know when you need help with anything though. You could’ve woken me up.”   
  
“You’ve already done enough.”   
  
I cringed at the words as soon as they left my mouth and hoped that he wouldn’t take them the wrong way. Phil just laughed and shook his head as he carried the bowls out of the kitchen, probably thinking of the hundreds of mugs of tea and plates of toast he’d brought to me over the years and how I’d barely given him a nod of thanks in response. Now I’d spend ten minutes fighting with a box of cereal rather than ask him to open it for me.   
  
We sat at the table because I couldn’t balance a bowl in one hand with braces on my wrists, and everything felt wrong because normally we’d be eating on the sofa in the lounge. This felt formal and weird, and my mind was starting to fill with panicked thoughts about how things might never be normal between us again.   
  
Phil handed me a spoon and knocked his knee against mine under the table. “It would have been better if you’d woken me. I was having a dream about evil dolphins trying to steal my shoes.”   
  
“That doesn’t sound like the most evil plan a dolphin could come up with.”   
  
“The sand on the beach was really hot.”   
  
“Of course.” I laughed and started eating.   
  
He rambled on about his dream and sea creatures and I nodded along as we both got lost in the strange workings of his mind. By the time I was dragging my spoon through the dredges of milk and cereal dust, the tension had cleared and I was nearly crying with laughter over some rant he was on about the evils lurking in the ocean and the monster he’d definitely seen the last time he was in Florida with his parents.   
  
I leaned over and kissed him mid-sentence, slightly in awe that I was allowed to do that now, and he paused for a moment before picking up right where he’d left off. His eyes were lit up, and his smile was genuine and unforced, and we’d just had sex the day before, and that was still kind of freaking me out, but somehow he knew exactly how to make everything feel okay again.   
  
The best part about being with Phil was that he already knew everything about me.   
  
——  
  
“Let’s test the lighting one more time.”   
  
I sat up in my bed and resisted sighing as Phil adjusted the camera again. It’d been two weeks since my surgery, and far too long since I’d posted my last video, but I was starting to lose patience with filming.   
  
“Can we finish this tomorrow?” I asked.   
  
“You only have one more scene left.”   
  
“I know, but I’m sick of talking.”   
  
“Okay.” Phil nudged me so that he could sit beside me on the bed. “Are you still in a lot of pain?”   
  
“Not really.” I looked down at my wrists, which hadn’t bothered me in days. They already felt healed and I wasn’t even taking pain medicine anymore. “I’m starting to wonder if I really need these on for another month.”   
  
“Dan.” Phil frowned at me. “I’m glad it isn’t hurting, but don’t do anything stupid again.”   
  
I blushed, embarrassed at the memory of being caught that first night after I’d gotten home from surgery and annoyed that he would bring it up.   
  
“That wasn’t stupidity. It was desperation.”   
  
“If you feel that desperate again, you do have other options besides injuring yourself.” Phil bit his lip and looked down like he was trying to stifle a laugh.   
  
“Is something funny?” I asked.   
  
“Maybe. Are you getting annoyed?” Phil trailed a finger down my arm and then lifted off before reaching my wrist brace. “You know, if not for your injury, this conversation would probably be leading to rough, angry sex. It’s too bad.”   
  
My breath caught and my annoyance wilted away. “We could still… I mean, as long as you weren’t planning on pinning my wrists to the bed or something.”   
  
“Really? I was joking.” Phil’s eyebrows lifted. “Are you into that?”   
  
“I don’t know. I never used to be.”   
  
Phil laughed. “Learning new things about yourself lately?”   
  
“Shut up.” I moved my hand to hit him and then thought better of it, placing it back against my leg and digging my fingernails into my thigh. “I never really got it before. I’d see things in porn, like, one guy telling another to do something or what he wasn’t allowed to do and it always just seemed unpleasant to me, but now…”   
  
Phil was transfixed and staring at my mouth as I talked. He blinked and looked back up at my eyes when I paused. “Now?”   
  
I let out a nervous laugh. “I kind of see the appeal? Because I woke up this morning and I was hard, and knowing that I couldn’t do _anything_ about it just made it feel more intense, which was miserable, but I can see why someone might like that if… if there was someone else around. It might be nice, losing control like that.”   
  
“There _was_ someone else around.”   
  
“Okay.” I rolled my eyes in exasperation. “I don’t want this to be another chore that I throw on you, like setting up the cameras or opening cereal boxes. You want me to walk into your room and start begging you to suck me off every time I get turned on during the next few weeks?”   
  
Phil groaned and rolled over so that he was practically on top of me, burying his head in my shirt.   
  
“What?” I asked.   
  
“Nothing. It’s just torture to hear you talk like that.” Phil grinned up at me. “Please don’t stop.”   
  
I laughed. “I’m not going to do that.”   
  
“Well, I wouldn’t mind.”   
  
I wanted to say something sarcastic in response but I could only smile at him, remembering when he’d first said those words to me a couple weeks ago. He touched a finger against my cheek like he knew what I was thinking and then leaned up to press his lips against my neck.   
  
“You wouldn’t have to beg. You could just ask.” Phil kissed along the side of my neck and moved so that he was actually on top of me.   
  
“I’ll remember that.” I wrapped my legs around his waist to try to pull him closer without the use of my arms. “Maybe.”   
  
“Or you could just show up in my room and start kissing me or something.”   
  
Phil grabbed my waist and pulled me down the bed so that I was flat on my back. I moved my arms around his neck slowly and prayed for enough self-control to not try to grip onto him, but his mouth was open on my neck and I could feel his tongue moving against my skin and I wasn’t sure how much longer I’d be able to keep my head. He reached down the front of my jeans but instead of unzipping them, he cupped his hand and began pressing the heel of his palm against me.   
  
I bit down on my lip and he rotated his hand a few more times, pushing harder until I finally let out a gasp and moaned.   
  
“Why didn’t you?” he asked.   
  
I met Phil’s eyes and tried to remember my line of reasoning, or at least how to speak, which was difficult considering he hadn’t stopped working his hand against the outside of my jeans.   
  
“I didn’t… I don’t want that,” I stuttered. “I want this to be real, like, a real relationship, not just you doing things because I can’t do them myself.”   
  
“It’s not.” Phil squinted like he was confused. “It’s not like that at all. I just wish I knew what you wanted.”   
  
“I don’t want this to be one-sided.” I awkwardly held up an arm to stop him when it looked like he was going to interrupt me and then took a deep breath before continuing. “Just, wait. Let me say this. I want you to want this as much as I do. I don’t want it to screw things up between us. And I want to fall asleep with you at night so I don’t have to crawl into your bed in the morning just to get off.”   
  
“Okay,” Phil responded. He pushed himself up so that he was kneeling in front of me with his hands on his knees. “I do want to be with you. I don’t want to screw this up anymore than you do. And if you knew how many times I’d thought about you coming to sleep in my bed at night, it’d probably creep you out.”   
  
“No, it wouldn’t.” I smiled and reached my arms up before remembering and letting them fall back down on the bed. “This is when I should be pulling you back down and kissing you because I’m so fucking happy about what you just said but I can’t, so maybe we can try that loss of control thing we were talking about earlier.”   
  
“Yeah, okay.” Phil laughed and moved my hands gently to the side before crawling back over me. “Just don’t let me do anything that hurts you, because I’d probably cry and that would make all of this much less sexy.”   
  
I took a breath and went silent before I could think of a response, because Phil’s hand found the button on my jeans and unfastened it. I lifted my hips off the bed when he started unzipping them, anxious to feel him against me again. He tugged my jeans off and stared down at me with slightly parted lips, running his fingers over the wet spot on my boxers where my cock had started leaking when he’d palmed me.   
  
“Oh, god.” Phil stroked his hands up my thighs and then over the bulge in my shorts. “Do you think you could come in your boxers?”   
  
I widened my eyes at him. “Yes?”   
  
“Unless that question made you uncomfortable, in which case I was obviously joking.”   
  
I shook my head and would have laughed, but then he pulled away to take his jeans off and tug his shirt over his head and I was still getting used to being allowed to stare at his body. He grabbed my legs and pulled them tight around his waist and I clenched my thighs around him, moaning at how much I wanted to clutch his hips so that I could grind up into him. It was torture to be the one who had to lie back and wait, but it made the moment even sweeter when he finally relaxed into my body and I was pinned beneath him. When he finally started to move and I felt how hard he was, I could have screamed from how much I wanted him.   
  
“Fuck, fuck, _fuck_ ,” I whimpered out.   
  
Phil’s hands were on my chest, stretching out underneath my shirt and not at all gentle as they shoved me down harder onto the bed and then slid underneath to the small of my back. I felt caged in, squeezed into a space between the mattress and his body that was just large enough to contain me. He started rocking his hips forward and I could feel his cock against my own through the fabric of our boxers. He pulled up with his hands as he began to grind down onto me, nearly lifting me off the bed each time.   
   
 “That… _god_ , Phil. That feels so good.” I closed my eyes and gasped.   
  
Phil moved his hands from my back to my shoulders and held me down as he crushed his lips against mine. I moaned and opened my mouth when I felt him bite at my bottom lip. He slipped his tongue inside and grazed it against my own. I let out a disappointed sigh when he pulled away too soon, and he smiled before leaning back in again. His kisses were rough and his hands gripped me so firmly that I wondered if they were going to leave bruises, but I kept wanting more, wanting to be even closer.   
  
My feet were running up and down the back of his legs as he continued to grind against me. He pulled away from my lips to gasp for air and his head collapsed onto my shoulder as he panted. I pressed my mouth against his neck and whimpered, feeling waves of pleasure rush through me every time he moved.   
  
I writhed beneath him, struggling to get an even better angle, trembling with the effort of trying to roll my hips into his without any leverage. Phil grabbed me around the waist and rolled over so that I was on top of him.   
  
“I want to watch you come,” Phil said.   
  
“I don’t… I can’t.” My knees were pressed to the bed and my legs straddled his waist. I struggled to get myself into an upright position without the use of my hands. “I can’t hold onto anything.”   
  
“I’ve got you.”   
  
And he did. He supported me as I raised myself into a sitting position on top of him, and while I wanted to hold myself up by pressing my hands against his chest, I found that I didn’t need to. I closed my eyes and it felt like I was floating. I let my hands rest at my sides and started to move my hips, rubbing my cock up and down against his body slowly.   
  
My head fell forward and I let out a moan, because this was the angle that I had been searching for. Phil’s hands were clutching my waist as I pressed down into him and they squeezed in rhythm with my movements. It started to feel like my whole body was burning and I couldn’t stop myself from whimpering his name as I got closer.   
  
“Getting there?” Phil asked and he barely sounded like himself. His voice was tight and controlled. I nodded and he let out a quiet groan. “You look really hot like this.”   
  
I couldn’t think about what I looked like or the sounds that I was making because I was right on the cusp and it was like my body was on fire. Every time I rolled my hips and pressed into his cock and felt it throbbing against my own, my head was filled with a chant of _almost, almost, almost_ and I’d never teetered on the brink for this long before.   
  
“Oh, _fuck_ , Dan.” Phil let out a shudder beneath me and I actually felt him start to come, felt the warmth of it as he thrust his hips up and worked himself through it.   
  
The sound of my name and the sensation of Phil trembling underneath me pushed me over the edge and I threw my head back as I orgasmed. My legs quivered and my hips rocked faster and harder into Phil as I tried to get as much pressure as possible. I moaned and felt tingles shooting down my arms from the effort of keeping them still.   
  
I almost collapsed after I came but Phil laughed and sat up quickly to catch me around the waist, lowering me gently onto my back on the bed.   
  
“Fucking hell,” I whispered. “We have to do that again sometime.”   
  
“I’ll second that.” Phil flopped beside me and turned his head. His face was bright red. “Hi.”   
  
“Hi.” I laughed.   
  
Phil smiled and ran a hand across my forehead and through my hair. “Have I mentioned that I’m completely in love with you?”   
  
Just when my heart was beginning to slow down, it picked up speed again. “No, you hadn’t.”   
  
“That was rude of me. I am.”   
  
——  
  
It was almost anti-climatic when I finally sat down with my doctor to have my final post-surgery appointment. I felt like there should be confetti falling from the ceiling for surviving six weeks but there was only a 15 minute check-up where everything was deemed a success and then I was back outside, standing on the street with a bag in my hand that contained my wrist braces. I planned on burning them. I even considered filming it.   
  
The walk back home still felt triumphant and I kept flexing my wrists, and then stopping myself, and then doing it again because I finally could. The simplest things were bringing a ridiculous, goofy smile to my face. Swinging my keys around my fingers. Snapping to the beat of the music playing on my headphones. Unlocking my front door and turning the doorknob. Seeing Phil and holding my arms above my head in victory.   
  
“Oh my god,” Phil shouted. He ran over to engulf me in a hug. “They’re gone.”   
  
“I know.” I beamed at him. “Is this real life?”   
  
“Please don’t ever reference that again, especially not during such a serious moment.”   
  
“Okay.” I laughed and held my arms out. “Look at them! Do they look different?”   
  
“They look older and wiser from the experience.” Phil nodded solemnly.   
  
“Wait a minute.” I pulled away from him and looked down at the ground, feeling a bit shy all of a sudden. “No joking for a second. There’s something that I’ve wanted to do for a _long_ time now.”   
  
“Yeah?” Phil widened his eyes and I could practically see the various dirty fantasies that he was predicting. “What’s that?”   
  
I put my hands on his shoulders and then let them run down his arms. His palms opened up to mine on instinct and I slid my hands into his, locking our fingers together. He looked into my eyes with a grin and I felt my stomach start to flutter. I just stood there for a moment, reveling in the simple pleasure that was holding Phil’s hand.   
  
“This,” I said and squeezed his fingers. “Just this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr.


End file.
